I gotta get away from God for a while; I’m going to Church

Dear Diary,

Today was Sunday, so I woke up and made record time in the shower so I could get to church early and see my friends. We met up by the new $500,000 building project that has the church in debt up to its eyeballs…again. But we didn’t stay there long because Sunday school was going to start soon. So we all went to class and argued about politics for an hour. Then I had a few minutes to catch up on all the week’s gossip before the service started. I sat in the back with all my friends where no one else can see us. The pastor made some weird announcements about all the Bible studies between then and next week. I don’t know why he even talks about them; it’s not like anybody is going to go to them. Anyway, when he was done we sang all those old songs again. You know, all those ones about Jesus and heaven and whatever. Come to think of it, I’ve never really thought about what they say, I just lip-sing them so that my mom won’t get angry and embarrassed. After singing, we took up the offering. At least, we would have if the deacon who was supposed to pray hadn’t used his fifteen seconds of fame to preach a fifteen minute mini-sermon, trying to guilt trip us into giving more. It didn’t work last week and it’s not working now, so just say your memorized prayer and sit back down! I mean, am I right? Anyway, he has to leave the pianist time to play for minutes after they’re done with the offering so that everyone will clap and she can feel good about her playing. Still, so long as she finally lets the pastor get up, I don’t mind. That’s my favorite part of the service; all my friends and I slide down in our pews and use our cell phones to talk about the couples in front of us who keep whispering and giggling in each other’s ears. It’s not like anybody notices them over all the old people who talk through the sermon. They’re so deaf, they talk louder than the preacher. Today I think he was comparing Christianity to a bank account. I couldn’t help but thinking, “maybe you should stop talking literally and use an analogy instead.”

And while America’s modern version of Christianity presses ever forward…

“But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches.” – Revelation 2:4-5


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