as chains about our feet, they bind us,
Withholding motion and movement,
endorse they my kind.
protest captivity, they find us.
Outpouring notions of lament,
remorse we our lives
I really like this poem, but I really, really hate the subject-verb inversions (“remorse we”, “endorse they”); they’re a sign of an inability to speak naturally when rhyming, which, if you’re going to rhyme, is a must. I’m also fairly sure that you can’t “remorse” a life, though you could regret or lament.
Oops. Did I just crush your hopes and dreams? Experiment all you want. Just do it well. Oops! I did it again. (No, my last name is not Spears.) Seriously though … it could be a really strong poem. To me at least, it’s better than most of your stuff. I think I’m just too honest for my own good. Think of it this way: I care about your being a good poet. If I didn’t, I would just say, “Well, that’s pretty …” Criticism = love.
Are you saying you would rather have a wall for a friend than me? I can’t imagine how you could say something so cruel. I am sure you meant something else, Greg.
I’d like to see you try anything. I’m glad you did try something. Keep trying new things. (I suggest free verse, and more unusual metaphors than “my job is a prison/keeps me in chains/etc” … that’s a fairly standard, and therefore uncreative, metaphor. But that’s just me.) That doesn’t get you out of being criticized, though. FYI.
Now I’m sad. A wall? Really? A wall could not be half the friend that I am … right?