Ah, the Sheer Brilliance of Cookies!

If I may – and surely I may, I will point out the sheer brilliance of cookies. It has occured to me that parents were, at one time, in a terrible way. They had established that at that wonderful time of year when they all rush around like half-crazed chickens chasing after that perfect Christmas gift, it is actually a mythical fat man in a bright red suit responsible for the immaculately wrapped and ribboned packages awaiting their children come that festive winter morning. All their tireless shopping effort, and the credit is given to an obese bearded cronie whose existence is only as real as a suicidal emo kid is cheery.

Oh, the terror! The double-edged sword! Having now established this immaterial man the patron saint of Christman spirit, they must destroy him, and insomuch destroy their children’s own Christman cheer, if they are to take back the admiration and affection of their little ones. No; parents cannot hurt their own children so. Now what to do?

The answer comes in the form of an oval of baked dough and chocolate: expansion. They expand the myth to include cookies. To appease the jolly saint Nicholas, children must spend Christmas Eve baking cookies to leave for Santa to devour as he showers their living room with gifts and presents.

Brilliance right here: Now the parents get something out of the whole ordeal and the myth is reinforced when their children find no cookies upon wakening. This perpetuates the loop and guarantees bakery snacks for the parents as they do their midnight work on Christmas morning.

Ah, the sheer brilliance of cookies!


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