Designers are, by default, homosexual?

But not only designers; any man with either an instinctive sense of fashion, or an even basic head-knowledge of shoes. Let me ask you, men, the gay-not-gay question. Apparently, if you are able to explain what this is, you must be homosexual. No exceptions are accepted here, so if you didn’t come out of puberty with a clear answer as to your sexuality, you can obtain absolute certainty right now. I hope you’re ready to discover your sexuality:

Describe a halter top.

If you were able to do this without outside help, you are, without question, a very gay man. Don’t ask me why, I don’t get it either, but you are. Imagine my surprise when I correctly described a halter and was regretfully informed that I was, indeed, homosexual.

I don’t feel homosexual. I don’t even feel bisexual. In fact, the more I think of a woman in a halter, the more heterosexual I feel. So how does this work? I don’t get it.

You’re not suppose to. You just have to accept it. You’re gay. No ifs, buts, hows, or whens. Deal with it.

But I’m not attracted to other men. I’m not even attracted to really pretty men like in boy bands and on book covers. Although Fabio does make me all fluttery…

Okay. Too much info there. Go get help. Now.

But seriously, why is it that men with an interest in fashion or design must automatically be homosexual? Don’t buy it? Let me illustrate a common conversation for you.

Oh man, that doesn’t sound like fun.

Tell me about it. Some mornings, I just don’t wanna go into the office. Know what I mean?

Completely. What do you do for a living anyway?

I’m a fashion designer.

I don’t swing that way, man.

Do you see what I’m driving at? Well I’m going to challenge the paradigm. I’m going to make several statements that are fully incrimnating of homosexuality, but let it be known that I am a complete, flaming heterosexual.

  • Halter most commonly refers to a top with a single strap situated behind the neck, leaving the back and shoulders bare.
  • Vertical stripes are slimming and help create a seeming increase in height and trim.
  • The best way to meld two colors together is with a neutral such as beige, tan, brown, or cream.
  • Neutral brown walls combined with a cream white trim lend an air of class and dignity to a room.
  • 50% off sales are completely awesome and I get giddy when I see signs with such notifications as “Buy 1, get 1 free”, “All shoes half off”, “Going out of business sale”, “Everything must go”, or especially the simple and ever-inspiring “Clearance.”
  • Reds do not go in with whites, moron.
  • I like the movies Sabrina, A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, and An Ideal Husband.
  • I am a hopeless romantic and oftentimes have to catch myself so that I don’t say “awwwwwww.”
  • I am fully aware that morals are not pictures on walls and scruples are not Russian currency.
  • I don’t think a man should have sex with a woman unless he has married her.
  • I will never allow chivalry to die because it will be forced to live on in my own life.

All this and more, but still I am straight. Why does the general public deem this so impossible? I don’t get it, but I am annoyed by it.


14 Responses to “Designers are, by default, homosexual?”

  1. As I have said before, and will say again (and is particularly-fitting here), strive for individuality and fight for freedom. Refuse to give in to repression of thought, limitation of expression, derision of character. Be that which the Creator desires for you. Anything less, anything else, is cheating the Divine intention.

    And, P.S., I saw “awww” frequently and unapologetically.


  2. Okay, I couldn’t resist:

    ● I did, admittedly, have halter tops confused with the kind that don’t have any visible means of support, e.g., are held up by elastic or pure will power
    ● Everyone knows this fact, except fat people
    ● Or, wear the same exact matching color in an outfit, like a gray business suit
    ● I have always been a fan of taupe, myself
    ● Getting “giddy” over sales is a bit over the top, although I do admit to having far too many pairs of shoes (mostly sandals, etc.) for a straight guy
    ● Reds and whites CAN go together, but only if you wash in cold water (it saves money, trust me)
    ● I am a sucker for musicals and period pieces, as well as stories that have a redeeming quality
    ● As noted previously, I say, “awwww” frequently and unapologetically
    ● Yeah, that’s just plain cute (I’m aware of it, too)
    ● I’ll take it one step further, I don’t even think they should get “intimate” at all without being married
    ● Without chivalry, we have no society

  3. You’re gay as well? Why didn’t you say something?

  4. “Don’t judge me!”
    (credit Brett Butler in a hilarious episode of My Name is Earl)

  5. I love My Name Is Earl. I also love straight guys with an eye for color and design … that makes me all fluttery! There’s a special word for that, by the way – metrosexual.

  6. Yeah, but according to the pundits, the term “metrosexual” has gone out of fashion. Know that the new term is? Heterosexual. Imagine that. (Note, of course, that my mere knowledge of this turn of events does, in fact, confirm that I am gay.)

  7. Metro, huh? I think I like this term. ::in best Stewie voice:: “I shall make it mine.”

    Mark, you must be gay. There’s no other explaination. And oh yes, my now-pink underwear disagree with your statement concerning reds and whites in cold water…

  8. I never said I actually wash reds with whites. Mostly because I don’t own any red clothing (I kid you not). Perhaps a more accurate statement would have been *colors* and whites. That doesn’t fail, as long as it’s cold water.

    And where have you been that you haven’t heard of “metrosexual?”
    Sheesh…so early 2000s…very “Queer Eye.”

  9. I LOVED that show. That Kyan guy was really, really cute. But it gave a really bad name to straight guys.

  10. Never saw it. I like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Just discovered that one. ‘Tis good…..

  11. Matthew Bowerman Says:

    Greg says its good, i don’t care

  12. The only television I watch is PBS, with exception to FOX Sunday night animated programming (Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad). You just can’t pass those up! 😉

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